Resentment (xpost) : Child or Pregnancy Loss

Sat Nov 07, 2009 8:45 am

I find this ugly demon entering my marriage and life lately, more than ever. O is right around the corner, DH has, once again, empty promises about that...empty.

Have you ever been on the edge, like this...ready to give up it all??? That's how I'm feeling right now. I've been awake since 3 am, it's now 4:30. I'm angry and fed up.

What's so disappointing is that 'this' personality is not me. Not the true core of my being. Before this mess, I was full of life, happy, very socialable.

My principal, who also happens to be my friend, pulled me into his office the other day. He said that he nominated me for an international teaching award, because he has never met such an amazing teacher who loves her kids etc. Blah, blah. However, since the fall he said, you're different. You're different with staff and the system. Not your kids, but just your aura. You're angry and cynical...and this is NOT you.

I started crying, because I know why. I told him this. And he knows too.

I'm not too sure what to do at this point. I don't want to be this person. I feel like I am so angry at DH. We don't live in the city anymore, we moved out to the burbs to have a family...and here we are...stuck. HE wanted to live here. Not me. But I did it for the sake of a 'family'...and it's still just us.

My life, and my dreams, seem out of my control. And that angers me too.

Please, help me understand how to move out of this negative stage. Seriously, I am NOT this kind of person. But I am finding myself more withdrawn and angry. I don't want you thinking that I'm negative all of the time, because my true soul has always been about making the best of all situations etc. But I just feel so stuck. I'm sorry for that if you think I'm one of those 'downers' lately.

Thank you so much for just listening...it means so much to have women who can relate.

Michelle

Sat Nov 07, 2009 3:57 pm

It is so hard not to be resentful sometimes. You have had three little ones that are no longer physically with you, and that is not something one gets over very easily.

A loss changes you, and each loss changes you even more. I am a different person now than I was before my first loss, and I am a much different person now after my second loss.

I think that what you are going through is perfectly normal, perhaps if you feel the need you could talk to a support group. I know for me referring to my babies by name when I talk about them, keeping a memory box with stuff that were just my baby's (Ultrasound pictures, a picture of my pregnancy test, I bought each of my babies a bear from the hospital that helped the miscarriage along), has helped me along. For Christmas my husband has bought me a family necklace, it has all my children's names on it, on earth and on heaven. The lady that was doing the order thought it was odd that I wanted the names of our angels on it, to me those are my children as well. I am a mom of four! I just have to act suprised Christmas day when I get the present :-D

Mon Nov 09, 2009 7:01 am

Oh Michelle, I so feel the exact same as you do. I'm angry, resentful and bitter and I hate it. Like you, I can't seem to get past it. It's effecting my job as well. My boss seems to think I'm doing a great job (he's told me that as recently as a couple of weeks ago. But, he didn't know me last year though. I told him flat out that I'm not working as hard as I should be). I don't know about you, but I feel like I need a break from work. I need some time to really focus on getting myself better. I thought about taking some type of leave. But, I know thats not really an option for me.

I wish I knew what to tell you. I wish I could give you some great advise. But I seem to be in this dark hole with you. Just know that you are not alone.

I believe you've said before that you've gone to see a therapist. Has that helped at all? I'm hoping to go back very soon and I really hope it helps.

And don't think you're being a downer, no one is a bigger downer than me lately!

Mon Nov 09, 2009 11:25 pm

Grr...BZ monster just ate up my post.

I posted on TTCAL...called Peace Begins With Me. I am doing better, but defnitely needed the help and support of the many women who replied to me. There is a website there I listed that is very helpful. Yoga/buddhist like philosophies. Of course you have to take some of the stuff with a grain of salt, but it's good to remind us to live in the now. Our happiness is not dependant on an event in the future. It's hard not to cling to that.

Sherry, have a read and check out the site. Also, please, please...email me any time for support or a non-judgemental ear. Our stories are so similar and we are so close to conceiving at the same time...if we allow ourselves too!!!

Lots of hugs and support. You are not alone. We will help each other.

[url=mailto:mshillum@hotmail.com]mshillum@hotmail.com[/url]

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