WDYT - accepting help potentially with strings

Fri Jun 08, 2012 4:32 pm

Edit: Wow- this is super long. If you ready this, thanks

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Background: I live in a state where there is a clear religious majority. I am not a member of this particular religion, and have no intentions of ever becoming a member. I choose not to practice any religion, and consider myself atheist. I have friends, co-workers, and acquaintances who are members, and most of my neighbors are members. I have no ill feelings toward any of them, and have formed some nice friendships despite our religious differences. I am not very vocal about my thoughts on religion, and it rarely if ever comes ups in conversation.

I occasionally get visits from missionaries, and most recently was sitting on my lunch break and two lovely girls came over to me and started chatting. I did not necessarily mind the company, but the conversation did flirt with the message they are supposed to deliver. I changed the subject, said I have been here for 5 years and my position is the same. We chatted a little longer about my family, etc. I mentioned that I have a toddler, when asked if I want to have more, I mentioned that I have twins on the way. during the conversation it came up that I do not have a big circle of friends, and no family nearby, so I don't have a huge support system. Its not non-existent, but it is very very small.

QUESTION: The girls gave me their contact info and said to contact them if I ever need help, and they are also here to help people. So if I needed help with some light house cleaning, laundry, etc. I can see in the future when the twins arrived how some occasional assistance like this could come in handy. But I kinda feel like I am taking advantage of kindness, and saying, yes please come and clean my house for free, but keep the religious stuff at the front door. WDYT?

Fri Jun 08, 2012 9:32 pm

I would hire a mother's helper.

Sat Jun 09, 2012 12:15 am

I don't think you'd be taking advantage, but do think you'd have to be tolerant of the things they would likely talk about while they're there. Really, it's no different than deciding anything that you'd be tolerant of when it comes to sharing time with another person. With some folks, you might have to be tolerant of the fact that they butt in occasionally or talk a lot about their kids or just anything. If you can't stomach the conversation, then choose to not be around it. They knew your stance (right?) when they offered their assistance and likely will feel as though they benefit from being helpful toward you whether they convert you or not.

3 angels, Ashley, Elijah's twin Alison, and Baby October.

Sat Jun 09, 2012 1:02 am

I'm guessing you're in Utah. I'd not worry about yourself, especially if you're clear to the missionaries where your beliefs lie. I was actually used as a "training gentile" by my local stake (several years ago and in Washington State), because I stood firm in my faith but was polite and knowledgeable. Several pairs of missionaries (most with supervision from the local stake) went through my door. All of them were willing to accept "no, I'm not coming to your church" as an answer.

I'd be more worried about whether what they talk to your children about is in line with your values, actually. I'm religious myself, and sometimes I forget that my "of course" is someone else's "no way." Especially when it comes to correcting children.

Sat Jun 09, 2012 11:49 am

I don't think I would let anyone who was not family or close friends do chores in my house without paying them.

Mommy to twins
http://ifashley.blogspot.com
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Sat Jun 09, 2012 4:49 pm

I would take them up on it. If they don't want to help, then they will stop. You have already made your position clear to them and they still want to be a blessing to you. Let them! For some people it really is enjoyable to help others - it even makes them happy! They are showing tolerance for your beliefs, now show them tolerance, too, by letting them help. If you like the work they do, you can always offer to pay them at some point, but likely they will insist on doing it for free. Let them. Allow your circle of good friends to grow. You can always change your mind if you feel they are not the kind of friends you want.

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Sat Jun 09, 2012 4:58 pm

Thanks....

Whenever I do have visits from missionaries to my door, they always ask what they can do to help. As far as I know, in addition to their work spreading the Gospel, they also try to do service projects. I just never know what to do when they ask, I usually feel embarrased to say, sure, come on in and do xyz. I figure if I do take them up on the occasional help, I would give them lunch, and maybe some food to take with them. I know they are here self supporting, and often are on very limited budgets. But the are not allowed to take money.

Fri Sep 14, 2012 1:41 pm

Edit: Wow- this is super long. If you ready this, thanks

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Background: I live in a state where there is a clear religious majority. I am not a member of this particular religion, and have no intentions of ever becoming a member. I choose not to practice any religion, and consider myself atheist. I have friends, co-workers, and acquaintances who are members, and most of my neighbors are members. I have no ill feelings toward any of them, and have formed some nice friendships despite our religious differences. I am not very vocal about my thoughts on religion, and it rarely if ever comes ups in conversation.

I occasionally get visits from missionaries, and most recently was sitting on my lunch break and two lovely girls came over to me and started chatting. I did not necessarily mind the company, but the conversation did flirt with the message they are supposed to deliver. I changed the subject, said I have been here for 5 years and my position is the same. We chatted a little longer about my family, etc. I mentioned that I have a toddler, when asked if I want to have more, I mentioned that I have twins on the way. during the conversation it came up that I do not have a big circle of friends, and no family nearby, so I don't have a huge support system. Its not non-existent, but it is very very small.

QUESTION: The girls gave me their contact info and said to contact them if I ever need help, and they are also here to help people. So if I needed help with some light house cleaning, laundry, etc. I can see in the future when the twins arrived how some occasional assistance like this could come in handy. But I kinda feel like I am taking advantage of kindness, and saying, yes please come and clean my house for free, but keep the religious stuff at the front door. WDYT?

I live in Utah where we have this sort of thing. I grew up Mormon and have no religion currently, but wherever I have lived the Mormon community usually knows about me because my parents tell the clergy to send my records there. (I could leave the church but what a hassle and it would kill my parents) Anyway, I get visits from missionaries, visiting and home teachers, they usually come in pairs and are of the same gender. I'm very friendly and invite them in, after all, people who are my friends do this, I did it once, and my brothers went on missions, so I just think of how I would want them treated or myself. The visiting teachers are the ones who offer to help you out with stuff, but the home teachers (the men) will often help too, if you need to move, etc. It's really very nice. I tell them I'm not interested in having prayers or religious messages. They're usually very good about that (missionaries will generally not persist after a certain amount of time if they find you truly aren't interested). Some aren't, but I tolerate it to an extent because again, I imagine they're not that different from my mother, an aunt, etc. Anyway, don't feel bad at all for taking them up on helping you out with babysitting, cleaning, running you to the store, bringing you food, etc. If they're mormon, anyway, this is an essential part of their religion, especially for women, to offer assistance regardless of your religion. They believe in this 'be your brother's keeper' thing and some people practice it very well and truly just want to be kind and make you feel a part and welcome. They want to save your soul, too, but just be firm but polite about your boundaries with that and most people will be good about it and it might help you make more friends here. uh, if this is where you are. no idea about other religions, but I'm guessing it's similar. Just accept their offer of friendship.

eta: don't offer to pay them, they might be offended (probably not but you never know), they most want you to see them as someone willing to help you when you need it so the best way you can repay that is by allowing them to do so.

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my nephews: Alec, Jackson, Elijah, Hayden, Eric, Atreus, Nicholas, Isaac, Samuel
my niece: Rubie

Fri Sep 14, 2012 1:50 pm

^^ Thanks for the long response. I am in Utah for the record. I hate to be rude to people, and the last time I mentioned to someone about help, the someone from the Relief Society came to see me, and I was invited to an event, but then I went to the event and was ignored.