Sex

Sun Jul 15, 2012 4:04 pm

Hello all. I am a ddc/bdc veteran, and used to be an active HT poster about 3 years ago. When I went back to work I have to give it up, as I am sure you all know it's addictive and time consuming! I just had my second baby boy in May and I am now a sahm again.

I have a problem! I know this is a personal issue, but I think HT is the best board for it and I'm sure it can be turned into a HT. Here goes!

My dh isnt interested in sex. He is 26, and up until 6 months ago we had an amazing sex life. We dtd almost every day. Now a lot has happened in 6 months. We got married in January and our sex live immediately slowed. His mother died two weeks later and it understandably went down even more. I was also pregnant, which he admitted weirded him out. Well 6 months later it's worse than ever. So first he was grieving, then he was weirded out by my pregnancy, then he was afraid to hurt me after ds was born, then it was because I hadn't gotten my IUD yet. Well I've had my IUD for a month and we have had sex maybe 3 times. When we do have sex it usually isn't good. At this point he has run out of excuses. He says is not at all depressed and he is so happy with his life and his family. At the risk of sounding conceded, Other than the 5 lbs that is hanging on you can't tell I had a baby. I work out all the time and I am in very good shape. I try to remind myself of this but my self esteem is going down the drain. We've talked about it several times and all he can come up with is " I just don't have the drive". I used to try to be sexy and initiate things but I'm tired of being the one and I don't want to get shot down anymore. I bought a vibrator and it's already dead lol.

So... I think this is completely odd for a 26 year old man, am I right?

Wwyd?

Whitney
Mommy to Zach 9/19/08
and Bentley 5/12/12

Sun Jul 15, 2012 4:45 pm

So, a lot went on in his life at once. You got married, his mom died, you got pg, you had a baby. That's a LOT of stress in a person's life, even if some of it (wedding, baby) is good stress, it's still stress. You say that at first he was grieving. I'm going to say that he most likely is still grieving. It may not be the active thing it was when his mom first died, but it is probably still going on. Was she ill or was this sudden? He may need someone to talk to. Hospice offers low/no cost grief counseling even if his mother wasn't in hospice.

I think he needs to go in & talk to his dr. There could be something medical, like his testosterone is low or something else, or it could be just all the stress. Personally, I think that it's all the stress because of when it all happened. But that is my opinion & I am not a dr. So who knows. But I think he should be seen.

Sun Jul 15, 2012 5:46 pm

I agree that he should talk to a medical doctor about his decreased sex drive as he could have some physical or hormonal issues interfering - and all the stress is definitely not helping. And now sex itself has become a source of stress, so it all just keeps snowballing. While I know it's difficult, try to refrain from making it about you or assuming he's lost his attraction to you. Definitely tell him that you feel that way, though, so that he understands that you'll need some other kind of reassurance that he still finds you attractive while y'all seek out answers as to why he's not interested in sex. But I think it's highly unlikely that *you* are the reason he has lost his libido and you will both need to be emotionally supportive of each other right now.

3 angels, Ashley, Elijah's twin Alison, and Baby October.

Sun Jul 15, 2012 7:05 pm

IA with the two PPs.

I had the following thoughts reading the OP:

1) Just because time has passed and he says he is not still grieving or depressed doesn't mean he isn't. I don't think he's being dishonest, but he may either be denying it to himself and others because he feels like he should be over it or truly unaware of how much that loss is still affecting him.

2) Even if he is not grieving and/or depressed, he has a lot of major, recent and on-going stressors in his life which are likely influencing his energy levels and sex drive.

3) People in a relationship go through periods where they have sex more or less often for any number of reasons even without all of the stressors described in the OP. Sometimes, there are periods where one or both people involved are just less interested in sex for a while. Sometimes, the frequency of sex changes with time like any other aspect of a relationship may.

4) There may be a hormonal issue. If the OP and/or her DH are really worried about it, it may make sense to ask his doctor to check.

There may be other things going on that I haven't thought of. My ex never wanted sex and by that I mean I could get him interested between once every six months and once every two years. He would grudgingly try once a month when were TTC. I understand how frustrating it can get and how much like rejection it can feel. However, if with everything that has been going on, sex is still happening three times a month (about once a week), that tells me that he is making an effort which is great.

What I think might help is: a) trying to focus on the effort he is making, b) looking for other ways to feel intimate together while you work on this, c) trying to change things up (role playing, sensory play, stimulating different parts of the body, being more or less spontaneous, trying toys or food, etc)., d) have him try talking to a counselor to more clearly identify the barriers he is having so he can work through them better and/or go to a therapist together e) consider asking his doctor to look for any physical problems.

GL.

Mon Jul 16, 2012 2:05 pm

I definately agree that he is still grieving over the loss of his mother. And I think he does need to go and see someone. I dont think it is you, just that there is so much going on right now in his life he is overwhelmed, even though he says he isnt.

~Natalie~ Co-Leader of Breastfeeding Zone-email- ctcmsmombzhost @ gmail. com

Mon Jul 16, 2012 4:08 pm

Honestly, he might just not want to have sex and it may be nothing deeper than that. Last time I was pregnant and for the first year post partum I wanted absolutely nothing to do with having sex, at all, for any reason.

Mommy to twins
http://ifashley.blogspot.com
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Fri Jul 27, 2012 3:38 pm

Maybe you guys just need a date away from kids. He might need a chance to not see you as a wife or mother, but the woman he fell in love with!

Brentley Peyton

Fri Sep 14, 2012 12:44 pm

there are a lot of possibilities, and you can't really know if it's one or several factors. as a pp said, he may not be fully aware of how recent events have affected him. I would just talk to him about wanting to amp up the sex life. ask him what thoughts he has on that. I agree you shouldn't be doing all the work in that area.

but sometimes improving other areas of your life might help, so maybe together you can figure out what things will help bring passion back into your life. Maybe he's given up some things he used to do and doing them again will help him feel more like himself. It may just be medical but it may be emotional as well, and that means examining many aspects of life, not just where the symptoms are.

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my nephews: Alec, Jackson, Elijah, Hayden, Eric, Atreus, Nicholas, Isaac, Samuel
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