Thanksgiving dilemma- wwyd?

Thu Nov 08, 2012 3:00 pm

DH and I have been married for six years and have hosted Thanksgiving each year since our wedding. This year, however, I would rather not. DS has been struggling with weight gain, so his pediatrician has recommended a very intensive schedule of nursing, pumping, and supplementing that leaves me with virtually no downtime during the day (for various reasons, the pediatrician, DH, and I all agree that it is best for me to keep breastfeeding rather than switch DS to formula). This schedule is intended to be a temporary measure to help him gain a little extra weight, but there is a chance it will last through Thanksgiving. I am exhausted and overwhelmed by the thought of hosting a large family holiday right now, and am also uncomfortable pumping in front of my ILs, as the double electric pump I'm using requires the full exposure of both breasts. I would really rather not spend an entire holiday weekend stuck in our room with the pump, and since I obviously don't have the time to prepare a whole Thanksgiving dinner, I don't feel that it's fair to ask my mom to do everything herself (my ILs never help with anything).

In addition, FIL recently had a stroke and will be in rehab until just before Thanksgiving, after which point he will still need help getting around. I am concerned because we have a tri-level house without any bathrooms on the main level, and I don't want him to fall on the stairs and get hurt. Given all this, I would prefer not to host this year and to have a quiet holiday with DH and DS instead. DH is upset by this because he says that if we don't host, his family will not have a holiday celebration at all. I don't doubt that this is true, but am not sure why the fact that nobody else will step up is necessarily our responsibility, either. We seem to be at an impasse, and I'm not sure what to do. Am I being unreasonable? Is there some compromise we're missing here?

Jen
Married to Ryan since June 06
Mother of one saint in heaven and Nathan Michael, 6/28/12

Thu Nov 08, 2012 3:08 pm

I do not think your idea is out of the norm. It is alot of stress making a big meal and stress will effect your supply. ANother idea though is to go out for dinner that night. That way no cooking needed. I wish you good luck. My second and third child had failure to thrive for many months. I know the stress it caused me was great.

Steph. Mother of Eva-15,Jordan-10, Christopher-9, Abigail-6,and a angel son Joshua. Host of Pregnancy and Infant Lose board. Mummieeva@yahoo.com

Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:37 pm

You have more concerns than just the meal prep given the stairs & someone just getting out of rehab. I would just not do it. I would tell dh that if he wants to prepare the whole meal, make sure the house is ready to your standards, and take his dad to the bathroom go right ahead and host it. Otherwise no. If it wasn't for the bathroom issue I would suggest asking everyone to contribute a certain amount of money & getting the meal from the store. Most grocery stores, and some restaurants, offer a done meal. My friends family has started doing this & it works great. But the meal is only one of your concerns.

See, this is an area where your *needs* outweigh your husbands *desires*. You *need* to not have the stress this year. He *wants* to have this holiday meal.

Since fil will just be out of rehab could mil host it & order from a restaurant or store? That way fil is at home, can go to bed if he needs to, etc.

Fri Nov 09, 2012 9:19 pm

If I were in a similar situation, I would just tell your family that you are not up to it. I would imagine they would have to understand. Your biggest battle seems to be with your husband. I think that someone will step up and have something. Ultimately, it isn't your concern what your ILs do for Thanksgiving this year. In the end, they could go out to a restaurant and still have the togetherness time.

You have much bigger things on your plate to deal with this year. You know your husband best, I would recommend just communicating to him that you really just CAN'T do it this year. It seems to be way to much to me. He should understand, and I think if you explain to him that you are exhausted, and overwhelmed that he'll listen. Like I said, you know him best, so you know the best way to get it through to him. You're not being unreasonable. This is one of those things you have every right, and need, to assert yourself and do what you need to do.

Sat Nov 10, 2012 6:22 pm

Sometimes you just have to say no. This is one of those times. Will some people be miffed? Yes. But they will get over it.

After 6 years of hosting Thanksgiving, I think it's completely reasonable that someone else step up to the plate. If they won't, that's not a reflection on you and shouldn't make you feel bad.

Do what you need to do for you and your son!

I thought I'd start a blog about my life but all I talk about are babies and cake. Actually, that sounds about right.

Wed Nov 14, 2012 5:39 pm

can you compromise and let them have dinner there but do a potluck where everyone brings something? Maybe his concern is that there's nowhere else the whole family can get together. It would be fine to do the holiday with just you, your husband and son, but your husband wants to be able to spend the holiday with his family as well and I do think that more than any other holiday Thanksgiving is about getting together with a large family group you ordinarily don't see. I don't think you need to prepare the meal, if he wants to do it, then he can do the meal or get people to help him. Have you asked your other family how they would feel about hosting? My sister in law always does everything and we always go there but honestly, plenty of us would be happy to host thanksgiving even if it's tighter quarters, the meal doesn't turn out as great, or whatever, and to help her more than we do, but she goes to so much work and does it every year that I feel like she enjoys this sort of thing and doesn't want too much help from inlaws (her friends, mom, sister are fine, but she seems to only want limited help from us). So give them the opportunity to step up. You might find they would like to, even if they what they do isn't as nice as what you're used to.

******************************************************
my nephews: Alec, Jackson, Elijah, Hayden, Eric, Atreus, Nicholas, Isaac, Samuel
my niece: Rubie

Thu Nov 15, 2012 10:31 am

If really DH cannot budge and insist on you guys hosting, I think i would ask everyone to bring something, maybe your family can bring the sides, your in-laws the desserts, so you only have to take care of the turkey. And that, i would let DH take care of so the only thing i have to worry is organization and baby.
Your FIL is definitely your DH's responsibility and i would make sure he knows it.
If your DH doesn't want to step up, then i would cancel the whole thing. It shouldn't be on your shoulders alone when you are tired and have other things to worry about that are much more important.
You can always host a Christmas lunch or dinner when baby is better.

As for the rest, i would decide not to worry about it at all. I am pretty good at having a 'if you are not happy, you can leave' type of mindset.

Ludivine

Mon Nov 26, 2012 10:51 pm

I don't think what you're asking for is unreasonable at all... you are overwhelmed and can't host.

If your DH is so upset about it why don't you suggest to him that HE hosts it... just sayin... that'd change his mind

Tue Nov 27, 2012 6:39 am

I don't think what you're asking for is unreasonable at all... you are overwhelmed and can't host.

If your DH is so upset about it why don't you suggest to him that HE hosts it... just sayin... that'd change his mind

Yeah you can try the things differently.

Tue Nov 27, 2012 5:15 pm

So what ended up happening?

Tue Nov 27, 2012 6:31 pm

We ended up just having a quiet Thanksgiving at home and taking a day trip to visit relatives on Saturday. It wasn't much fun pumping in the car, but we all survived.

Jen
Married to Ryan since June 06
Mother of one saint in heaven and Nathan Michael, 6/28/12