Worst Day in Quite Some Time - LONG

So, last night Brendan had a fever. Yaaaaay. I arranged a sitter to cover most of my work day through a service I have been using the past year. Basically they have a group of pre-screened ladies that can provide me backup care, and they get one to come to my house. I have used this about 15 times or so and it has worked very well. I am not comfortable leaving my son with someone I dont know, so I work from home upstairs and she has him downstairs for the day except for nap time.

This morning the sitter was right on time. I had already fed him breakfast, so she really just had to entertain him, give him a little morning snack, and then get ready for his lunch at about 1130 or so. I had meetings from 8am-11am straight, so I didnt get breakfast. I went downstairs for an early lunch and to check on him, since I had heard alot of fussing and crying, not usual for my happy boy.

So, what child doesnt want his mom when he doesnt feel well? I held him for a few min while I heated up my lunch and I got things together for her to cook him. It had been raining and our flood system was broken, so DH asked me to check the basement as we had water over the weekend and lost our bassinet to it :-(

I tried to give B back to sitter as I had a call starting, and he lost it. In a way he has never lost it before. He has been in daycare/sitters since 4 months old, so we really dont have issues beyond a min or two of crying when I leave sometmes. The screaming lasted 20 min. I didnt like the sound of it. It was a sound I have never heard before. I immediately called the Ped and they said to bring him right in (he had a fever and was holding the ear he had an infection in recently). So, I told the sitter somethng wasnt right and I was going to take him in right away. Since I only had her til 1 and it was 1145 I said I would just pay her but she could leave now, since she would just be sitting there while I was gone at the doc. I think she took this the wrong way.

She proceeded to tell me three times that "she didnt want to say anything, but there wasnt a problem until I came downstairs and started babying him and interrupting." I was a little shocked. A) It's my house, I'll walk in whenever I please. B) I get it that its hard when he sees me after he's used to me not there, but I have to eat lady. C) I'll baby my baby as much as I want b/c before I know it, he will be grown.

She then told me that he had too many toys and really didnt need anymore (I dont think we have that many). She also told me that he is always sick because I send him to daycare and I'm not doing the best I could for him. I should get a sitter to come to the house. I told her I could not afford that option, hence he's in daycare. She said its a bad situation for him and he is the one suffering from my decision.

She didnt have a problem taking the check on my counter though and left saying that she has done this a long time and it was fine until I walked in.

I was so mad and upset I cried all the way to the doctor and the whole time there. I know that I'm not the best mom in the world, and daycare isnt what I imagined when I dreamed about staying home, but that's what I've got. I may not be thin anymore, not be pretty, maybe not even a really nice person due to stress and lack of sleep, but I do know I love my baby. Lately he is the only person that can make me smile and keep me going through everyhting I am personally going through, so having someone come into my home, take my hard-earned money and tell me everything I am doing wrong after knowing me 3 hours, well, that pushed me over the edge.

I'm sorry this is so long. It's just been one of those days.

P.S. He did have a nasty ear infection, got strong meds to kick it to the curb, and my thoughts on his new cry were right on. Oh, and we both got ice cream this afternoon. :-)