Young children & sex

I would not forbid masturbation.  I would forbid phone sex with anyone, especially a stranger on the phone.  That combined with the masturbation being so (from the description) overtly sexual would send up a red flag to me for a 13 year old.

ArielnAudreysmom wrote:That combined with the masturbation being so (from the description) overtly sexual would send up a red flag to me for a 13 year old.

 
That's what I thought to. I don't even remember thinking about sex at 12/13 (it started when she was still 12....she just turned 13) and I got preggo at 16 years old.

Allowing or not allowing your kids to masterbate is outrageous on BOTH ENDS!!!   I don't think kids ever want their parents to know this kind of stuff .... the fact that she found her DD doing it just FREEEEEEKS ME OUT!   wow!
 
Phone sex ... will not be tolerated if I find out about it.   But kids are covert and will hide whatever they don't want to be out in the open or taken away.
 
~ Britt

Masturbation I'm o.k. with at any age.  Our rule is that it's private so either in the bathroom/bathtub/shower or in their bedroom.  I will teach them that they have to wash their hands when they're done.

Phone sex I'm not nearly as o.k. with.  I think 13 is a bit young for that personally and would talk to my daughter about how imaginary sex might lead her to feel pressured to have real life sex sooner than her body and her emotions might be ready.  I'm o.k. with sex (phone and real but with someone in her real life that she is currently dating) by the time they're 16 and would prefer my kids wait at least that long.

I think not "allowing" your child to masturbate is setting them up for sexual problems later.  There are entire genres of literature devoted to nothing but the phenomenon of being raised to think of masturbation as bad and forbidden.  I have been teaching Juliet that it is private, but "private" doesn't mean "bad" in our house.
 
Phone sex involves a relationship with another person and therefore is something that I think it appropriate for parents to get involved in, and I think 13 is very young for a teen to engage in it.

well, I dont know how anyone can say they wont allow masturbation.  Unless you hold hands with your child all the time, watch them in their bed, in the shower, etc.  So I think it is important to explain to kids about private acts, and how they need to respect themselves enough to be quiet about it and private.  Also hygiene practices... washing hands, etc.
 
AFA the phone sex, that is a whole other topic altogether.  Of course I would not be comfortable with my 13 year old participating in phone sex.
 
Tracey

I think it is emotionally harmful to tell your child that they can't masturbate, that it's bad, that it's a sin. Why should a child be afraid of his or her own body and the various ways it works? I hope you don't go all freak-wild on them for having nocturnal emissions or erections. I hope you have done research on the effects that these beliefs have on children growing up and how dysfunctional their future relationships and intimacy might become. I fail to see how it's a sin.

I think that woman is too permissive with her child by allowing her to talk to men in a sexual way on the phone at age 13. My child would not have an unsupervised Facebook at that age and would certainly not be contacting strangers.

Lulusmom wrote:

I have been teaching Juliet that it is private, but "private" doesn't mean "bad" in our house. 

 
 
Serious question here (and not just for Deborah):  How exactly do you go about discussing this sort of thing and at what age did you start?  Juliet seems "too young" for the discussion, but I don't have kids that age.  I don't want to somehow miss an opportunity I should be aware of. 
 

 
Juliet had a period of time when she was about four when she was really obsessed with her genitals.  She was sticking her hands in her underpants all the time in public.  So we had to address the situation anyway.  We didn't use the word "masturbation" because I didn't think she'd get that, but we talked about the fact that touching that area of your body is something that is totally fine to do but should be done in private, like other things you do in private (adults taking a shower, e.g.). 
 
Oliver hasn't had the same fixation yet, and also has much less verbal facility than she did at the same age, so I haven't had a talk with him.

Masturbation will never be prohibited.

I do not like the idea of phone sex. Sexual pleasure at that age should be done solo until a good firm understanding of sexual relationships are made. That understanding can not be had at 13.

Lulusmom wrote:

I have been teaching Juliet that it is private, but "private" doesn't mean "bad" in our house. 

 
 
Serious question here (and not just for Deborah):  How exactly do you go about discussing this sort of thing and at what age did you start?  Juliet seems "too young" for the discussion, but I don't have kids that age.  I don't want to somehow miss an opportunity I should be aware of. 
 

 
For us it's always been teachable moments.  With my nephew he had a bad habit of having his hands disappear at the dinner table so we had to watch him and remind him that it was private and for the bath (he was too young to take showers yet.. I think he was 3 ish?) or for the bedroom.

I haven't actually caught my girls yet but I have mentioned a few times that their bums and VJs are private and nobody should touch them but themselves (for washing or wiping).  

We're a pretty open family when it comes to sexuality.  DH sleeps naked and with the door open so they've seen him in all his glory (he does cover up when aroused so I think they've only ever seen him flacid).  Chloe still likes to pet my boobies every now and again (we're talking a couple of times a year) and depending on my mood I might let her for a moment or two and then remind her that she's not a baby anymore.

I know the girls have had moments where they've exposed themselves innocently to their friend T (who's a boy) while getting changed or going to the bathroom so we've had that talk about how nudity is o.k. around immediate family bot not o.k. in front of friends.  O.k. I'm rambling now...

I would describe myself as fairly conservative, yet there isn't anything wrong with any member of our family masturbating in private, so I would have no issue with that. It's a very safe and normal act as far as I'm concerned.
 
I don't think it's normal, or okay, to allow a 13 year old to engage in phone sex. That isn't something that would be okay in our house, and I imagine most households.
 

ArielnAudreysmom wrote:I would not forbid masturbation.  I would forbid phone sex with anyone, especially a stranger on the phone.  That combined with the masturbation being so (from the description) overtly sexual would send up a red flag to me for a 13 year old.

    
 i agree.
I also have been teaching my kids that they are your private parts, you can touch them in private.  i added more about why it came up.  but i deleted it....I didn't want to embarrass my kids because this stuff stays forever online..   I hate not having a delete option.

Lulusmom wrote:

I have been teaching Juliet that it is private, but "private" doesn't mean "bad" in our house. 

 
 
Serious question here (and not just for Deborah):  How exactly do you go about discussing this sort of thing and at what age did you start?  Juliet seems "too young" for the discussion, but I don't have kids that age.  I don't want to somehow miss an opportunity I should be aware of. 
 

 
Dexter is 8 and we just had a disscussion about erections this past weekend. My DH asked me to talk to him because he had been grappling in karate and his partner was a female and she was straddling him and my DH thought that he might have had an erection based on the level of giggling that happened after awhile.
 
I talked to him about erections and what they mean and he asked me a few questions. He remembered us talking about them last summer but was worried that he hadn't had one that he can remember. I assured him that this was normal and told him how he used to get them all the time as a baby and that he would then pee on us.
 
Last summer he started asking questions about sex that went past the fact that there is sex. He wanted to know if i do it, when I do, how often and why. I was honest about my sex life as much as possible. He knows that I do have sex with his father but that it is a private thing that we do when the children aren't around. I explained that it feels good but that I want him to wait until he much older to try it with someone else because it's better if you wait. (Didn't talk about how much older.) I didn't tell him how often but I couldn't remember the last time that we had done it. LOL!
 
To the OP: I will not be teaching my children that masturbation is unhealthy. I'll be teaching the opposite actually. I would have a problem if someone was so loud that I could hear them in another room but would have a discussion about not being so loud.
 
Phone sex is something totally different and will not be allowed at that age. That is waaaaayyyy to young.

Lulusmom wrote:

I have been teaching Juliet that it is private, but "private" doesn't mean "bad" in our house. 

 
 
Serious question here (and not just for Deborah):  How exactly do you go about discussing this sort of thing and at what age did you start?  Juliet seems "too young" for the discussion, but I don't have kids that age.  I don't want to somehow miss an opportunity I should be aware of. 
 

 
My children still take baths together and occassionally they will point out each other's private areas and laugh and giggle....you know, typical kid stuff. I find that is a good time to bring up the discussion that their privates are only for them to touch and no one else, and that while touching their privates is okay, it isn't something you should do while in front of others. 
 

I grew up in a home and church life that taught masturbation as being wrong.. although I'm a daughter of a former minister, I cannot for the life of me remember why it was so wrong... quite honestly, I hid it from my parents and my sister (who I shared a room with) ... I had no idea about sex, sexuality, what I was doing or anything else and by the time I was active with anyone, I still had no clue as to what I was doing... Thank goodness for the patience and understanding of my dh who went with me to the bookstores and picked out books for couples to help me understand which truly helped our relationship...
That said, I think if you find your child on their journey of self-exploration that it's a very good time to talk about sex, sexuality, health, cleanliness, etc to encourage them to be open and honest with you about when they are thinking about becoming active with someone else... in our family, our 6yr old is taught to keep her body private and touching herself is for the bathtub, bathroom, bedroom where no one else has to see what she's up to.... our 4yr old is still very 2ish and loves to get rather personal with us.. he is always trying to get his hands in my top and play with my *pillows*.. lol... we just gently remove his hands (especially when we're in public) and remind him that they aren't his to touch and please stop....
as far as phone sex... I'd prohibit that at any age while my kids are in my home unless they are married to the one they're chatting with ... anything sexual by phone, text, computer, etc with someone they don't know well is dangerous and not going to be allowed in my home (unless they are over 18 and paying for their own phone line and then I just don't want to know about it as long as they are safe and respectful)...

Ftr, I think prohibiting your kids from self-exploration or asking openly about sex or anything sexual will just have them going to their friends, friends' parents, the library or anywhere else they can find someone to answer them.... better to be honest and open than to have the neighbour lady from 3 blocks over teaching them something you don't think they're ready for

Phone sex- not okay and dangerous.
 
Masturbation is completely private and if my girls are talking about their private areas I remind them that it's private for the bathroom or bedroom only.

mommy2cadieNcj wrote:I grew up in a home and church life that taught masturbation as being wrong.. although I'm a daughter of a former minister, I cannot for the life of me remember why it was so wrong...  

 
I believe masterbation is a sin because it is a sexual act and sex is to be shared between a husband and a wife.
 
I know I can't *stop* my children from doing it if they really want to, just as my mother didn't want me to have premarital sex, but I did and got preggo at 16. I will though teach that it is sinful and back up my reasons as to why I believe this.

*~*Jessica Mom to 3*~* wrote:

I grew up in a home and church life that taught masturbation as being wrong.. although I'm a daughter of a former minister, I cannot for the life of me remember why it was so wrong...  

 
 
I believe masterbation is a sin because it is a sexual act and sex is to be shared between a husband and a wife.
 
I know I can't *stop* my children from doing it if they really want to, just as my mother didn't want me to have premarital sex, but I did and got preggo at 16. I will though teach that it is sinful and back up my reasons as to why I believe this.

 
What you teach your kids is your choice, but I do think you're walking a very fine line... if you go too far with prohibiting things, be prepared for a child who has poor self-image, premarital sex, gratuitous relationships with people who will tell them they are beautiful, etc....  as a mother, I find that I walk a very thin line with how to deal with sex and my kids are still very young... I'm doing the best I can to let my kids know that while some things are definitely for private times, that they are beautiful in the way they were created and that their challenges, talents, character is what's most important

mommy2cadieNcj wrote:

I grew up in a home and church life that taught masturbation as being wrong.. although I'm a daughter of a former minister, I cannot for the life of me remember why it was so wrong...  

  
 
I believe masterbation is a sin because it is a sexual act and sex is to be shared between a husband and a wife.
 
I know I can't *stop* my children from doing it if they really want to, just as my mother didn't want me to have premarital sex, but I did and got preggo at 16. I will though teach that it is sinful and back up my reasons as to why I believe this.

  
What you teach your kids is your choice, but I do think you're walking a very fine line... if you go too far with prohibiting things, be prepared for a child who has poor self-image, premarital sex, gratuitous relationships with people who will tell them they are beautiful, etc....  as a mother, I find that I walk a very thin line with how to deal with sex and my kids are still very young... I'm doing the best I can to let my kids know that while some things are definitely for private times, that they are beautiful in the way they were created and that their challenges, talents, character is what's most important :-)

I was taught just as I'm teaching my daugher.
I wondered why it was wrong and my mother showed me scripture to back up what she believed and I've since prayed about it and studied the scripture myself and it all comes back to sex being God's gift to a husband and wife and masterbation is sex, so therefore I believe it is wrong.
 
I had prematial sex, but I gave into my hormones. My mother let me know that it could happen and hormones were a hard thing to fight. I just didn't let her know I was doing it...so when I got preggo she was FLOORED!!! :)
I don't have poor self image, I didin't have sex with anyone I met or told me I was beautiful, ect.
 
We could go back and forth on the negatives of telling my children something is sinful and the positives. I'm not going to tell my child I believe something is sinful just so they don't do _____ (insert whatever fits the situation)
 
I hope and pray my DD never feels that way or does what I do, but I'm not going to keep a belief to myself because of that fear.

My DH grew up being told at church and by his parents that masturbation is a sin and it lead to extreme feelings of guilt and self loathing. I refuse to teach our children the same thing and plan to counter what they hear at church with our own feelings on the matter. I would much rather my children masturbate than start having sex at an early age. I think it is important and even necessary to know how to pleasure yourself. I do not believe for one minute that it is sinful.

In the situation your friend is in, I would talk to my child about being discreet and private when they feel the need to masturbate, but would not make them feel "dirty" or "bad" for doing so. I would remove the phone from the bedroom and have a serious talk about the phone sex issue as that to me sends a huge red flag.

*~*Jessica Mom to 3*~* wrote:

[/quote]
I was taught just as I'm teaching my daugher.
I wondered why it was wrong and my mother showed me scripture to back up what she believed and I've since prayed about it and studied the scripture myself and it all comes back to sex being God's gift to a husband and wife and masterbation is sex, so therefore I believe it is wrong.
 
I had prematial sex, but I gave into my hormones. My mother let me know that it could happen and hormones were a hard thing to fight. I just didn't let her know I was doing it...so when I got preggo she was FLOORED!!! :-)
I don't have poor self image, I didin't have sex with anyone I met or told me I was beautiful, ect.
 
We could go back and forth on the negatives of telling my children something is sinful and the positives. I'm not going to tell my child I believe something is sinful just so they don't do _____ (insert whatever fits the situation)
 
I hope and pray my DD never feels that way or does what I do, but







I'm not going to keep a belief to myself because of that fear.[/quote]
I would never suggest that anyone hide their beliefs from their children or teach them otherwise.... I know from my own experiences that when we're not very careful of how we teach what we believe then we risk huge repercussions with our children.... I would never ever tell someone that they are wrong for what they teach their child.... my kids are taught certain things and unless someone really wants to know what I believe and why, I keep my mouth closed and hope my actions show who I am because I could say anything I want but it's how I go about my daily life that speaks the loudest as to my character

Wow!  Forbidding sex?  Ok, I get it.  Unrealistic but I get it.  Forbidding masturbation?  Good grief!  Sounds like a perfect storm for future sexual hang-ups.  My DH was raised to believe that masturbation was wrong and it caused him all kinds of conflicting issues surrounding sex.  

To each his/her own I suppose but it seems to me that there's a more mentally healthy way to discuss sex with your teenage kids.  If a parent has their own issues and hang-ups regarding a healthy image about sex then it's easy to see how that gets passed down.  

Forbidding anything only makes it more sought out.  The difference is that it's hidden and greater risks are taken.  FWIW I think you're missing out on a prime opportunity to help your daughter.

Lulusmom wrote:

I have been teaching Juliet that it is private, but "private" doesn't mean "bad" in our house. 

 
 
Serious question here (and not just for Deborah):  How exactly do you go about discussing this sort of thing and at what age did you start?  Juliet seems "too young" for the discussion, but I don't have kids that age.  I don't want to somehow miss an opportunity I should be aware of. 
 

 
For as long as I can remember Addison has had a tendency to stick her hands down her shift and touch her nipples.  So we've been talking about it for years.  Never the word masturbate but about inappropriate areas to touch in public.
 
A child's body is there own.  Their bodies do not belong to us as parents.  We can not FORBID anything that has to do with their own bodies.  So to say that one forbids masturbation seems off to me.
 
Listen, I don't want my daughter to have sex as a teen (which is why I want her to masturbate) and I plan to teach this to her in a loving way.  BUT it is her body and she makes the final decision about it.  My goal is to make it so she does come to me first so I can try to talk her out of it but if all else fails make sure she is WELL protected.
 

 
I was taught just as I'm teaching my daugher.
I wondered why it was wrong and my mother showed me scripture to back up what she believed and I've since prayed about it and studied the scripture myself and it all comes back to sex being God's gift to a husband and wife and masterbation is sex, so therefore I believe it is wrong.
 
I had prematial sex, but I gave into my hormones. My mother let me know that it could happen and hormones were a hard thing to fight. I just didn't let her know I was doing it...so when I got preggo she was FLOORED!!! :-)
I don't have poor self image, I didin't have sex with anyone I met or told me I was beautiful, ect.
 
We could go back and forth on the negatives of telling my children something is sinful and the positives. I'm not going to tell my child I believe something is sinful just so they don't do _____ (insert whatever fits the situation)
 
I hope and pray my DD never feels that way or does what I do, but I'm not going to keep a belief to myself because of that fear.

Jess, honest question.  You say you're raising B in the same way you were raised but you admit that you yourself didn't follow those strict guidelines and that you're mother was floored.  Yet statistics show that when taught only abstinence there are much higher rates of teen pregnancy.  Why wouldn't you want to reverse the cycle.....